My Story Part 2

By the time I was 18, body image no longer drove my eating disorder.  I knew I was attractive.  I knew I was thinner than most.  Did I always see myself like that or feel like I was? No, but doesn’t every girl have times like that?  I held onto my eating disorder like my life depended on it.  Like it was the only constant in my life since age 12.  I held on, because along the way, bad things happened that I never dealt with.  I had blocks of time that I was scared to face.  I felt that if I let go, there would be a flood.

I did not need to be treated for my eating disorder when my heart problems escalated.  Been there, done that.  I knew the ins and outs of Anorexia Nervosa.  How to treat someone with it.  How to renourish the body.  How many calories it takes to gain a pound.  How the initial weight gain completely distorts one’s body image .  How to challenge that distortion.  How being around other people with eating disorders is not helpful at all.  How Anorexia Nervosa is a mask, hiding what is truly going on.  Social anxiety?  Depression?  Family problems?  Lack of self esteem?  Identity crisis?  Trauma?  I did not need anyone guiding me through recovery.  I needed to make it to recovery, and then I would be fine.

Conor and I moved to Tulsa to open the flood gates.  There was one person there that could help me.  Someone that I had known since I was 15.  Someone who watched me convince my entire treatment team to let me leave the hospital when I was 17, malnourished, and nowhere near ready to leave.  Someone who knew how smart I was despite the fact that I dropped out of school when I was 16.  A doctor who treated Veterans for PTSD.  A doctor who knew how to break down my walls.  

Moving to Tulsa was my only hope, and I wouldn’t have done it without Conor.  He opened my eyes to the possibility of a life.  He gave me hope.  He showed me what caring truly is.  He helped me see and understand how I should be treated.  He knew I was close to dying and that even if I did make progress, there was a good chance that I would fall right back into old patterns.  When I asked him what made him look past all of that, he said he had no choice.

Thank you for reading My Story Part 2!

I am not ready to answer questions, and I would appreciate it if comments were kept to a minimum.  : ) 



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